Codependency: What is it? Are you suffering from it?

Codependency has a history of many definitions and iterations. Most notably, codependency is used in conjunction with people who are involved with someone who is addicted to something (drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc.).  For me, it wasn’t like that, and so I had a hard time identifying myself as codependent. Until I started looking at stories from people interviewed for the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.

Even though those people were talking about (mostly) alcoholic spouses or significant others, the feelings they described I could relate to: 

exhaustion, lost, bitterness, rage, overwhelmed, fear, helplessness, panic, depression, guilt, little interest in anything, loss of control while needing complete control, total responsibility for everything in my life and the life of my husband. If you were feeling that, you’d be exhausted, too.    

One story from the book summed up perfectly how I was feeling in my marriage:  “If my husband is happy, and I feel responsible for that, then I’m happy. If he’s upset, I feel responsible for that, too. I’m anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if I can’t. And he gets angry with me for trying.”

Now that last line may have some of you thinking how dare your husband get angry with you for wanting him to feel good and trying to make him feel better! That’s what a wife is supposed to do. I have news for you:  you’re probably codependent.

Codependency, as defined by me through my learning, is feeling so responsible for another person’s feelings that you will do whatever you can to encourage and grow the good feelings and whatever do you have to avoid or get rid of the bad feelings. It’s taking responsibility for what someone else is feeling or what someone else’s mood is.

Co-dependency, for me, meant not having any feelings of my own anymore, because everything I felt was dependent on the other person’s feelings. It meant losing myself to him, and doing everything for him. It meant “fixing” his feelings and “helping” him figure out how to manage his feelings by providing solutions and answers.

“Fixing” and “helping” are in quotes because none of what is being done in the name of codependency is helpful or fixes anything. It just perpetuated the problem. It also lead to resentment and bitterness, because he never appreciated what I was doing for him…sacrificing myself so he could be happy. 

Newsflash:  codependency is not truly sacrificial; at its core, it is an attempt to control something or someone. It is so unhealthy and destructive.

I don’t know if I was codependent when the relationship began, but I definitely became codependent as the relationship progressed. My situation was compounded by the fact that I was, unknowingly, in a relationship with a narcissist. He was never actually going to be responsible for his feelings or moods, because his feelings and moods were the only thing that mattered and they were allowed to be expressed in whatever way he saw fit in the moment. I believed my very survival depended on managing those moods to make sure he was the happiest he could be. Otherwise, I paid dearly for his anger.

What I didn’t understand, and what has taken me a lot of time, and therapy, to understand, is that it is not my job, or anyone else’s job, to be responsible for another person’s feelings, moods, depression, addiction, or anything else. Read that again. Healthy people accept responsibility for their own feelings, moods, struggles, etc. Unhealthy people don’t. Unhealthy people, codependent people, also take responsibility for other people’s feelings, moods, and struggles. Then we justify it by saying it’s helpful or convincing ourselves it is necessary for our survival. It’s not.

What was necessary for my survival is being able to know my own feelings and what triggers them. To own my reactions and actions related to those feelings. To know and accept that I am the only person who can be responsible for what I feel, what I say, and what I do – good, bad, beautiful, and ugly.

If you are thinking you might be codependent or know someone who is, seek help for yourself or them. Codependent No More is a wonderful book for greater understanding and tools for overcoming, but I don’t encourage anyone try to do that alone. There is a lot to process, and a lot of self-told lies to sift through. An outside person, like a counselor or therapist, can help you to do that.

Identifying and recognizing codependency is difficult and painful, especially on your own. You are not alone, but I am not an expert in anything other than my own experience. I would love to hear your thoughts and questions about codependency. Please leave comments below.