On July 13, 2017 my entire life changed in a way I never thought possible. It had been brewing for about six weeks – really for 10 years - but this day set into motion the most life altering and shattering events I have ever experienced. And I’ve been through some ash! My parents divorced when I was a kid, which is a whole other story, and that impacted me for the first half of my life. My lifelong dream of having children was dashed when my husband and I discovered we couldn’t have children naturally and chose not to continue trying after two failed IVF attempts (a blessing in disguise, I know now); I honestly thought I would never recover from that. But I did. And standing before my husband on July 13, 2017, confronting him with the knowledge that I know he had another woman in our house while I was out of town – even after I expressly told him she was not to ever be in my house again (the fact that I even had to tell him that should indicate a little of what I was dealing with in him as a man), and listening to him telling me what I already knew – had known for over a month – was the beginning of my devastation.

“I have feelings for her,” he said, “She makes me feel like a rock star.” My first thought was are you fucking kidding me? What the hell have I been doing for the last 10 years? I may have even said those things out loud, feeling the need to defend myself to a man who actually said those words and thought they were perfectly acceptable to say! Oh, how far I’ve come since then. But in that moment, at that time, all I wanted was to somehow keep my life together just as it was (which was ash, I now realize) and simultaneously kick his ass!

I really felt a war brewing inside me. I was shattered, angry, humiliated, and done. But I was also desperate, grasping, longing to figure out how to fix this and make it work. I made a lifetime vow – we made those vows together, and we were going to honor them, dammit. And I still loved him. How? I don’t know. Actually, a year later I can say that while I thought that at the time, I really no longer felt that way about him. I loved the man I married. He was no longer that man, and hadn’t been for quite some time.

However, back in July of 2017, all I wanted was to preserve my most significant relationship and life as I knew it, no matter how dysfunctional and toxic it was. And that’s normal. I don’t feel bad about it anymore. Nor do I regret any of the lengths I went to in the effort to save a marriage that never should have happened in the first place (more on that later). I know I did everything I could possibly do, sacrificing any respect and dignity I had left, which wasn’t much after being in an emotionally, mentally, verbally abusive relationship with a narcissist for almost 16 years (learn more about narcissism here).

I’m not even embarrassed to say that I was abused anymore. Because, I was a strong woman at one point. Most people who knew me when I was younger would be shocked to know I was in an abusive relationship. I’m the one who told them to leave their abusive boyfriends. I’m the one who scolded and shamed them for not being able to. I’m sorry for having such a cavalier attitude as to how easy it is to: A). know you’re in an abusive relationship, and, B.) leave that relationship like it’s nothing. I was an ass. I know that now. Please forgive me.

But I also know this:  while A and B are true, it is also absolutely true that you still have to find a way to leave that relationship, or allow the other person to leave. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, and you will have to face your own demons and issues that brought you to be in that relationship in the first place. But you will be better for it. When you do it, and I mean in a way where you actually deal with your issues, you will finally know a freedom you never have before.

The process is long, and I am in no way finished with it yet. In fact, I’ve taken breaks from the process at times, and that’s OK, too. Because it’s a lot. Since 2017, I have been so overcome with depression that I wanted to kill myself. And I have also felt a joy and freedom that I didn’t think possible anymore. It’s your journey, your process, and absolutely no one – including me – can tell you how to go through it or deal with whatever you’re dealing with. I’ve made many mistakes – some really big, stupid, precarious ones – along the way. I’m good with that, but only because I’ve learned from them, too.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning to live my life for me. I’m figuring out who I am and what I believe a part from anyone else and what they’re expectations of me might be. And, I’m letting go of my expectations of others, because I have a deeper understanding of the realization that I have no idea what people are going through unless they want to share their story with me. What I believe, though, is that we’re all doing the best we can in the moment we’re doing it. Judge me if you want – but remember we all live in glass houses built on sand. And when you fall down in the same way you judged me, don’t worry – I’ll still be here to help you back up. And then you will begin to understand grace and mercy for yourself and others. God will take your ashes and turn them into beauty as well.