Is it Really Necessary to Conquer All Fears? Depends on Why...

This trip had been in the works for over six months, and I knew what was coming. My friend planned a trip to Mexico for her 30th birthday, and I was in. I hadn’t been to Cancun since senior year of high school, and, as an adult, I felt this trip would be so much better and without all the drama. My friend, a huge planner and a little on the OCD side (she describes herself this way), planned pretty much every aspect of the trip out – including specific outfits. Believe it or not, there is some relief in having those things planned for you.

As part of the plan, we were going to an amusement park in Cancun that centered around a massive zip line. I am terrified of heights. I’m talking, legs can give out, heart races, can’t see straight terrified. I have been in situations where I have faced this and conquered it – for those situations. For instance, when I worked at a retail store in Nashville, I would regularly have to get up in a lift to change the window that looked out into the mall. The first time, I nearly fainted. But, I became a pro after doing it several times. OK, pro might be overstating it, but I was able to do it and not have a full-on panic attack.

When I got the information we were planning to do this zip line park, which was early in January 2018, my first thought is my friend is crazy if she thinks I’m going to do this. But, as my year progressed, and I began to heal and grow stronger, I thought

maybe I can do this. I’m facing all sorts of fears this year. This can just be another one to check off the list.

Plus, she really wanted us to do this activity together as a group, and I never want to be that person – the one who can’t take one for the team. So, I bought the ticket and made up my mind to do it.

I have excitedly anticipated facing this fear, and bragged about it to everyone who would listen! “I’m terrified of heights, but I’m going to do this zipline thing in Mexico! I can’t wait!” I meant the words. I was going to climb up the tower, clip in, and ride that one zip line through the jungle trees straight into the water! Done! Fear conquered! I imagined myself celebrating at the end, feeling so incredibly proud of what I’d accomplished, on top of everything else I had done in the past 8 months!

At the park, while we sat and waited to get checked in (you know how tours on vacation go), we could hear and see the zip line above us. I was so relieved, because it wasn’t even that high. My excitement grew! It was the first activity we did. I got hooked into my zip line gear, and then we began the ascent to the top of the tower. And I do mean ascent, because we basically walked up a mountain to get to the top. I could feel my resolve dissolving with every step.

My group of friends are amazing, because they all encouraged me and told me I could do it. When we finally arrived at the top, well above the jungle trees, I literally collapsed. My friends helped me get back up, but my heart was racing uncontrollably. I looked out over the trees, and I saw another tower about 50 feet away, and there was where we were going to land first. WHAT?! First?!? This isn’t just one long continuous line? No. It was a series of 9 zip lines, where you traveled from tower to tower, climbed up again, and had to go through the process over and over.

I got as far as being hooked up to the line, but the tears wouldn’t stop pouring out of my eyes, my heart would not settle – and not in an adrenaline sort of way, and my vision was starting to get very blurry and clouded. I was out! And I was embarrassed as I walked the long, shameful walk back down the mountain, past everyone waiting with great excitement to begin their death ride. I looked down, wanting no one to be able to see my face well enough to be able to point and laugh at me if they saw me later in the park.

As I walked down the mountain, though, my body began to return to normal – heart settling, vision returning, calm and peace washing over me. I realized, I didn’t regret my decision to not do the zip line, and I feel pretty confident that I would have regretted going – because once you started, there was no getting off; you had to finish. I knew I could get myself off the platform once, but I didn’t think I could do it multiple times.

It was in that moment that I decided there is something to be said for knowing your limitations, and accepting them. One of the questions I asked myself while walking to the top was What am I trying to prove and for whom? I worked to flesh out the answer to this question while I waited for my friends to return from their adventure. Why did I need to face this fear of heights? So I could go on some crazy adventure in the jungle attached to a line above the jungle trees – or some other setting. It wasn’t affecting my life in any other way than when it comes to things that no one does on a daily basis. It doesn’t keep me from flying; I can get up on ladders to kill spiders on my ceiling (I am also afraid of spiders, but I deal with this regularly); I will hike in hills and mountains whenever the situation presents itself. So I don’t zip line or skydive. Who really cares?

Then I had to think about what was I trying to prove and to whom?

These questions are not easy to answer, but I think I was ultimately trying to prove some things to myself, but those things are tied to lies about myself that my ex made me believe for a long time. Things like I’m weak, scared, undisciplined, lazy, stupid, unworthy. Because maybe if I faced the fear of going down that zip line, those things wouldn’t be true about me either.

But the great thing I realized sitting in the place where just 20 minutes ago I got suited up to face that fear, is that those things aren’t true about me, and they never were. And I didn’t need to go down a zip line to prove that to myself. And I don’t need to prove that to anyone else. Ever. I prove it to myself every day with each step I take that moves me forward, getting me more and more distance from my past. I prove it to myself every time I choose to let go instead of being bitter and angry. I prove it when I recognize the hold he used to have over me and I reclaim that hold for me, believing the truth about myself and not his lies. I prove it every time I choose me and who God created me to be.

I know who I am, and I don’t need to face a fear of heights to confirm that. The fears I do need to conquer relate to letting go of the past and moving forward into the light. I do that every day.

What fears do you have that you spend time focusing on that maybe it doesn’t matter? What fears do you really need to face?